‘Discussions on same-sex families need to move beyond the bedroom’

Her childhood dream was to join the army. Then, she decided to become a war journalist and later, a documentary filmmaker. But Aditi Anandeventually got drawn to cinema. She has produced several commercially and socially relevant films, including ‘Bison’, ‘Paan Singh Tomar’ and ‘No One Killed Jessica’. She is also at the forefront of the battle for legalising same-sex marriage in India. Anand, who is raising a five-year-old with her partner Susan Dias, spoke to Neha Bhayana about how parenthood has changed her, and why she is greedy for the world to change quicker.Middle childhood (five to 10 years) can be as tricky as the toddler and teen years. How’s it going for you?My son is a five-year-old teenager (laughs). But this is my favourite age. Kids this age are so curious and kind of complex. He has a profound, deep sense of the world. Parenting a child this age really helps you to relive the wonders of childhood. How did parenthood change your life?It caused a tectonic change. We were very independent and leading a cool life in Mumbai, but things changed completely when he came into our lives. One day, we thought we should just ride out the pandemic at my parents’ house in Delhi because there was a lot more space for a kid compared to our Mumbai flat. So, we drove to Delhi thinking we would go back soon, but we never did.Parenthood changes your priorities. Besides, I don’t think my parents and my grandmother, who is in her 90s, would have let their grandson leave. I was very close to my grandparents growing up, so I wanted him to have the same experience. When you become parents you start prioritising someone else’s relationships. Now, I am the one who spends the maximum time away from him because I work in Chennai. I have changed too. I used to be a very ambitious person, but now I want to spend more time at home. I often say that before I met my partner, my life had much more of an Anurag Kashyap film feel and soon after our son came into our lives, it became a Sooraj Barjatya film. My partner had dreams of a life in Europe with a sanitised environment, and here we are living like a big, joint family. Both of us have big families, and we are in each other’s lives all the time.How has the journey been from the time when you came out to your parents to the present day, when they are living with their grandson?My parents are super supportive, but I know that it was difficult. It was something that they really had to process in a way that they couldn’t show me how they were feeling. That was a big learning for me too, in terms of being able to put your own feelings aside for your child. They welcomed my partner and her parents welcomed me. Now, nobody’s interested in us anymore, because we’ve been completely replaced.I feel it is important for our son to have positive male role models in his life. Fortunately, he has my dad, Susan’s dad, my brother and Susan’s brother, who is his godfather. I think he’s changed them more than they have been able to change him. My son wanted these heart-shaped pillows, so my dad got him those. I know if my brother or I had asked my father for those pillows when we were growing up, we would have gotten a tight slap.Non-normative families often face judgement and alienation even today. What has your experience been like?My experience is probably reflective of my own privilege, but also reflective of the fact that the law has to catch up with society. People have been very supportive. We’ve received an extraordinary amount of love and support in both of his schools (in Delhi-NCR). The wonderful thing was that there was no exceptionalism or exclusion of any kind. It was a very natural thing. Like in the family photographs put up in class, there was our photograph that had two moms. The only thing that other kids remarked was that there was a dog in our photo.When we meet fellow parents or people in the neighbourhood, we tell them about us upfront. We are very conscious of the fact that this is not our son’s journey to make. We have to make the world comfortable for him. However, there have been some moments which are a bit heartbreaking. Sometimes, when we fill out forms, we have to scratch out ‘father’ and write ‘mother’ there. He is learning to read, and soon we will have to explain this. So, of course, we are greedy for the world to change more quickly. But we have been very surprised by the support we have got because you tend to construct scenarios in your head. People do have questions, but I feel the right approach is to not get offended and give them all the information that you’re comfortable giving and make a human connection.Has your son asked you why he has two mammas and no papa? What, according to you, is a good way for parents to talk to their kids about their unique family setup?When they were learning the letter ‘P’ in school, a lot of kids used the word ‘papa’ but he wasn’t bothered. I was eagerly waiting for the letter ‘M’ but when we got there, his words were like mermaid and monkey. ‘Mamma’ did not strike him at all. Once, an external facilitator who was obviously not aware of our specific circumstance was trying to get him to talk about his father. He very confidently told her, “I have two mammas,” and his friends supported him saying, “Yes, he has two mammas.”We have been very honest with him from day one. When he asks us a question, we answer truthfully in an age-appropriate language. We have included some beautiful books in his collection. Interestingly, he asked me about his story when we were reading this graphic novel called ‘Sita’s Ramayan’.You and Susan were among the couples who had petitioned the Supreme Court for legalising same-sex marriage. The plea was turned down. You had said then that the lack of recognition deprives your child of having two parents…I think that the legal fraternity is taking curative steps. There are cases going on in lower courts which may one day impact the course of this. The welfare of children within the adoption system is paramount, right? Nothing else should take precedence over that. But what you’re doing is that you’re denying a huge population of loving and stable parents the ability to be matched with children. You’re also denying children their own dignity. Susan and I live in a privileged circumstance, but not everybody has that circumstance.Even I grew up with fear. A lot of us used to just sidestep that question. If nobody asks, you don’t tell. If you can get away by saying ‘partner’ and let the other person think that it’s a business partner, you let them. There is this little subterfuge.I do think that the law is lagging behind. Society has moved way forward. Unfortunately, the conversation comes down to “Oh, but you have been decriminalised” and “Keep it in the bedroom” kind of thing. But the conversation needs to happen in the living room, kitchen and in the kids’ room. Today, there are so many same-sex parents who have wonderful, happy children.Between you and Susan, who’s the strict one and who’s the soft one?Susan is definitely the better parent. She’s the responsible one, and I’m the fun one. Before we became parents, it was kind of a foregone conclusion that Susan would be the strict parent — she is Mangalorean and they have very strict families — and I would be the softy. But exactly the opposite has happened. I tease her that every time you look at him, you get this moony expression like you just can’t imagine how perfect he is.We were once called to school for something, and I could tell that she was not going to let the school say anything about him. She had this my-son-can-do-whatever-he-wants attitude like a typical Delhi Punjabi mom. I tell her that your daughter-in-law is going to have a really hard time.I love being outdoors, so I do a lot of outdoorsy stuff with him. But the real, like hardcore, parenting of making sure that he’s fed and clothed and going to be a good man, that is totally Susan’s department, and she’s very good at it. I tell Susan that whether they let us get married or not, we can never break up because I don’t think that I can raise him without her, and I don’t think she can raise him without me. So, we’re kind of stuck for life. Nice place to be (winks).Talking about strictness, what’s your take on the new gentle parenting trend?I feel grateful that my parents were strict with me on many counts. Most of the foundational principles of gentle parenting are wonderful, and you want to live by them. But there’s a prescriptive excessiveness which is completely ridiculous. Your responsibility as a parent is to mitigate harm to your child, which often means letting them know something that they can’t do, even if it breaks their heart. There have to be boundaries that can’t be crossed.Our generation got it from our parents, and we’re getting it from our kids also. We are squished (laughs). I am not a gentle parent all the time. I just want my kid to feel empowered and to feel like he’s plugged into a source such that if he gets himself into trouble, or if he’s despondent, I will have his back no matter what.Recently, Netflix has been facing criticism after a study found that approximately 40% of its children’s shows feature LGBTQ+ content. Please share your thoughts.There’s so much kids’ content which I feel is super inappropriate. I actually don’t think themes of love are great for a five-year-old child. Movies like ‘Tangled’ and ‘Frozen’ had so much romance. We aren’t offended when there is a physical representation of love between a prince and a princess. But we are offended when we see two princesses falling in love. That is plain homophobia and should not even be addressed. If people are unhappy with the representation of romance in kids’ content in general, then I am right there with them. I think kids should just watch allegories till they are older.There is immense focus on marks in our country. Do you think families and schools ought to focus more on raising children to be empathetic and egalitarian?Every parent says I don’t care about marks but it is natural to care. I was a terrible student. I don’t know how I passed school, and that was really bad for me because it really impacted who I thought I was. I just want my son to be empowered to find out who he is. If he is an empathetic person, then he will find that. And if he’s not, and if he just wants to go through life being deluded, that’s his choice. He has to find his own way. But he is a very sensitive, perceptive kid. Seeing his interactions gives me the confidence that he will find his unique voice in the world.I think the purpose of education is to allow you to find the impact that you can make on the world; that impact can be something just for yourself, your family or something much bigger. I would like the education that he receives to be able to give him a sense of that impact.Pressure sometimes has nothing to do with parental pressure. My parents were wonderful, but I still felt the pressure. I would like him to find what he likes, whether it is sports or swimming. We’ll try to give him all the tools to get him there. I think every parent just wants their kid to be happy. Some people feel that their kid will find that happiness in an engineering degree. Some people feel that their kid will find it in swimming. Both are valid.You described yourself as a cheesy deshbhakt in an interview. A lot of Indian parents have foreign dreams for their kids. What’s your take on this?I want him to be prime minister, but I know he’s not going to be that. He’s exactly like me. He’ll do the opposite of what his parents want.